Sure, there are lots of big issues troubling the world. Still, why do only desi pricks in Air India's business class piss on co-passengers?
#WeakyLeaks #scotchjihad #URINEGATE #PeshabGhotala
"Mr Bond, they have a saying in Chicago: 'Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action'." So wrote Ian Fleming, a former Reuters sub-editor, in the seventh James Bond novel that became the hit film Goldfinger in 1964.
60 years on, Goldfinger seems somehow appropriate to describe the desi dicks bringing a bad rep to Air India by unzipping over skies not ours. Not just because of the approximate hue on their hands after their mile-high machismo, but also because #UrineGate has now graduated from happenstance to coincidence.
The House of Tatas, who were coaxed if not coerced into buying the miserable bloody airline, cannot yet scream "enemy action". The evidence is too thin and liquidy; the trail has probably dried up. But the two incidents, three years apart, begs three questions:
# Why does it seem to happen only on Air India flights, not other airlines? Surely all of them carry men and boys with bladders at various stages of filling up.
# Why does it happen only in the pampered confines of AI's business class, where the toilets-per-head ratio is better than Economy, and the toilet seat-per-ass bigger.
# And, not to get too sexist about it and invite the ire of feminists, why are only our mard folk subjecting their fellow-flyers to this Shahi Snan at 35,000 feet?
Kya, behenji?
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The first horror film featuring Shankar Mishra in the lead role was on a New York-Delhi flight (November 2022, above). The frame-for-frame sequel featuring Tushar Masand was on a Delhi-Bangkok flight (April 2025, below).
A private dick (as in detective) will notice that Delhi is the common geography to both incidents. That should tick a few boxes for those who think Delhi is a pisspot of the country's most execrable lot.
Perplexity AI helpfully informs us that Air India's business class is denoted by 'D' on the ticket. Surely, it can't be D for Dilli-walon?
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By the grace of Bharat Mata, the two blazing idiots in #WeakyLeaks had the right 'M' in their surname: Mishra and Masand. Else by now the TRP warriors of Lashkar-e-Noida would have christened it #ScotchJihad.
But what the two mid-air mutra malfunctions make amply clear is money cannot buy class, especially if you are a TDC* flying on company expenses. (*Typical Delhi Cute-iya)
In 2011, Shashi Tharoor (above, right) famously reminded illiterates that the Economy section in an aeroplane is known as “cattle class” because, well, passengers are so closely herded you can mistakenly milk your neighbour’s cow.
The fact that Air India which operates 1,168 flights every day has not reported war over pees from the Economy section tells us that the livestock there is probably somewhat better behaved than the Jersey cows in the front.
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Regardless of the jobs the HNI sanskari fucks who peed on the other human beings hold, it can be said without a shadow of doubt that both Shankar Mishra and Tushar Masand would fail to make the cut as a loco pilot on a non-stop train, as Indian Railways has barred toilet breaks.
Also, pissing on your co-loco pilot in the middle of the night in Bihar would be more challenging than on a Bridgestone executive from Japan.
(Heck, the two jokers may even be incapable of taking a metro train without a 'prasadhaan kaksh'.)
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In a nation where one prime minister (Morarji Desai) sipped his own discharge and another (Narendra Modi) exhorts his blind disciples to savour a cow's, dehumanising a woman (Shankar Mishra) or a foreigner (Tushar Masand) conform to the basic tenets of Manusmriti.
Certainly, the “punishment” that followed their actions reflects a nation with its head in its ass.
For their obnoxious crime, M/s Mishra and Masand were both rewarded by being told they couldn't use Air India for 30 days, which, come to think of it, is a blessing in disguise.
Kunal Kamra who merely collared the sitdown comic Arnab Goswami and taunted him on an Indigo flight in 2020 was banned from flying on any airline for six months, later reduced to three months.
Maybe he too should have unloaded his strapped-from-birth “gun”.
Why, a BJP man who urinated on a tribal in Madhya Pradesh in 2023 had a JCB excavator inspect his house for building violations. But business-class retards are a crass apart.
We truly piss in two Indias.
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The situation is still not dire enough for the monoculture-wallahs to declare a 'One Nation, One Urination' movement, where everybody will piss at the same patriotic time and, more importantly for frequent fliers, at the same cruising altitude.
#AmritKaal with a twist.
Still, the recent toilet experiences of Air India should make its management think out of the booth. Maybe a urine pouch to piss into, like the bag to vomit, as part of its goodies? Maybe stickers in Hindi on each seat which loudly scream in BJP’s preferred psychedelic colours, "यहाँ पेशाब करना मना है"?
It’s not as if Air India force-feeds litres of free booze to its international fliers, but after the conduct of Gujaratis flying to Bangkok, it is perhaps time for a ‘Scotch Bharat Abhiyan’ to educate folk to imbibe just enough so as not to feel the need to communicate to their co-passengers how many ml they have downed.
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Moral of the story for future Air India travellers: the next time some pretty young thing offers a hot or cold towel as you settle in, there is no need to look so smug when an Economy passenger files past.
Be ever so mindful, motherfuckers, of how it might have been used on a previous flight.
It could be “enemy action”.
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postcript: Once upon a time when you were on a wing, you needed a prayer.
For passengers of Pakistan's national carrier PIA, it used to be "Please Inform Allah".
For their Indian counterparts on AI, it was "Already Informed", now in more ways than one after l’affaire Mishra & Masand.